Surviving A Loss: Six Years Later
Memorial day weekend always stirs up a shit ton of emotions for me. You see, six years ago today my boyfriend Art loss his battle to depression. His loss affected me profoundly and flipped my entire world upside down. I was a mess.
Here's exactly what I posted online on June 15th, 2012, two weeks after his passing.
A break from Blogging...
At this time I have decided to take a break from blogging. I am going through the most difficult time in my life at the moment. Nothing seems to be right or make sense anymore ever since my other half passed away 2 weeks ago. In true gypsy nature I just want to travel away, far, far away and I think I will be doing just that. I know eventually I will be ok I just don't know when...
Hope you all can understand.
I accidently stumbled upon this post two weeks ago when I was looking through my blog archives and I swear I felt like I stepped into a time machine. By the way, if you're wondering why you can't access all of my older post that go back to 2009 it's because a lot of the photos did not transfer with the post so I decided not to have them up on the new site.
Anyway, I remember writing this post and feeling so empty and hopeless. I just wanted to disappear without a trace, but I couldn't just leave you guys hanging so I wrote this post to let you know what was happening. I took that summer off to figure things out and wrote my first post two months later on August 14th, 2012.
The Element of Freedom
To say that these last couple of months have been absolutely insane would be an understatement. I have been on the worst roller coaster of my life, everyday its a different emotion. I thought losing my great grandmother was bad but this, this, I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. First of all let me say that I wish that I could personally meet all of you, I would give you all thee biggest hug! Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for the beautiful comments that you posted. It means more to me than you will ever know. I want to apologize for not responding right away, but I do want you to know that I read each and every one of them when they were posted and I couldn't help but cry when I read them. It is amazing how the internet connects us to all these beautiful souls that we would have otherwise never met, and for that I thank you. I can't even put into words how touched I was by the outpour of love I received from many individuals. If you are reading this, I am talking about you, and I formally want to thank you.
I would be lying to you if I don't admit to the fact that I have been going through a whirlwind of emotions. Some days I am sad, angry, lonely, super sad, okay, happy, cranky, aggravated, annoyed, frustrated, and back to sad. It is a never ending, ongoing cycle, but the hardest thing of it all is finding the strength to face each day. Some days are easier than others. But the fact that I am even attempting to face each day is an accomplishment within it self and I must say I am a little proud of myself. But like I said, some days are better than others.
I have been listening to all of Alicia Keys albums non stop, hence the quote mentioned above. They have really been helping me cope, which is kind of absurd since she sings a lot about love and how that helps someone hurting for a loved one I have NO idea. Anyway, I have always been a huge fan of hers. I have a deep unexplainable connection to each and every one of her albums. Thank you for putting to paper the words the heart cannot express Alicia!
Back to the quote. It's pretty self explanatory. It reminds me to face the world each day, especially on the days where I just want to stay in bed.. forever. Shutting myself off from the world in the end would be more painful than facing my reality and "blooming". It sucks but its the truth unfortunately. This quote is from the intro to the album "The Element of Freedom" if you are all wondering. Go listen to it! Would I ever misguide you? ;-)
Finally, to end this post I just wanted to say I do plan on blogging frequently again. After all I really enjoy it, and I know Art would really want me to. He was the one who encouraged me to create GypsyintheCity.com to begin with, although after the constant picture nagging I'm sure he regretted it LOL. He was my biggest fan and number one supporter. I do plan to include amazing fashion posts but I do want you all to know that I will also be covering other topics of interest. This is exactly why I choose not to identify my blog as a fashion blog only, but a little more in the lifestyle category. Fashion just happens to be an extremely big aspect of my life so that is why all my post are mainly fashion related. I plan on giving this blog a facelift and slowly turning it into everything I have envisioned it to be. Ultimately, inspiring others makes me happy and I hope by sharing pieces of my life with you all I can inspire you to be the best you you can be (along with a great dose of fashion and beauty).
Thank you once again for your continued support to Gypsy in the City throughout these difficult times, I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I love you all very much, and I am so thankful for the blogger community.
Thank you for stopping by and hello to the new readers that joined while I was away!
Big BIG XOXO's
-Gypsy returning from Travel aka Ada aka ME <3
Damn, I read these post and I just can't believe I survived 2012. There were days that I would wake up just wanting my bed to swallow me. That summer was a hot blur. I was just kind of existing and trying to make sense of life one day at a time, so the fact that six years later I'm here baffles me. Thank god for therapy, friends, family and this blog. I honestly don't know where I would be had it not been for those four things. If you haven't watched my therapy journey video, please watch it when you get a chance. Therapy is honestly the main thing that helped me survive such a devastating loss.
Today marks six years since Art's passing and I can definitely say that time does not heal all wounds. The best way I can describe it is this quote:
“IT HAS BEEN SAID, 'TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.' I DO NOT AGREE. THE WOUNDS REMAIN. IN TIME, THE MIND, PROTECTING ITS SANITY, COVERS THEM WITH SCAR TISSUE AND THE PAIN LESSENS. BUT IT IS NEVER GONE.” - Rose Kennedy
The pain definitely lessens, but it is never truly gone. It kind of sneaks up here and there as you are casually living your life and can cripple you at times if you let it, but therapy taught me how to cope. It taught me how to acknowledge my feelings but not let them overpower me in a way that completely disables me.
A few weeks ago I was watching Hip-Hop documentary on Netflix featuring Hip-Hop artist Logic, while cleaning the kitchen. They were interviewing him about his suicide prevention song. If you haven't heard it or are curious about the meaning watch this video below.
Hearing Logic talk about this song instantly made me think of Art and everything he must have been going through those last few weeks of his life and I instantly started crying as I cleaned the stove. The more he talked about the song the more I cried hysterically because it just made me wonder how many people (including Art) would be alive if they would have heard this song and related. How many people would be alive if they would have heard this song and it gave them just a little bit more hope to hang on?
It crushes me to know that Art is not here to see my growth and success, but it crushes me more to know that he's not here to experience his own growth and success. That's probably the hardest part of it all.
This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through in my 28 years of living, but it truly did make me the woman that I am today. If I made it through 2012, I could make it through anything. These post are proof of that. I know how far I've come to get to this point in my life and I'm grateful for all of the growth I've experienced that has allowed me to get here.
I know if Art was here he would be hella proud of me. We were only together for two years, but he really impacted my life in a grand way through his love and support. Him and his family changed my life.
A lot of you ask me where I get my fearlessness from and to be completely honest with you, it came from surviving a loss. Losing someone you love results in two outcomes. Either you fall apart and never pick yourself up from that loss or you learn to cope with your emotions and live every single day of your life to the fullest in honor of the person you lost.
Every single day of my life I chose to honor Art's memory by living my best life and making him proud. I know he wouldn't want it any other way and I'm extremely grateful that even on the other side he's always looking out for me and making sure I'm good. I feel pretty lucky to have him around as my guardian angel.
Art made me a better, stronger, wiser Ada and for that I'm grateful.
My time with Art showed me everything that was holding me back and brought me to my own attention so that I could become a better ME. Art, thank you for breaking my chained and bolted up heart wide open so that a new light could get in.
To sum up what I've learned so far is that no matter what life throws at me I will always remain FEARLESS. Being fearless is acknowledging the fact that although you've been hurt before, you have faith that love will come find you again (in all forms), at the right time, at the right moment and at the right place, just to remind you of who you are.